I Lost It
by thatfantasyworldofmine
Summary: Sequel to "After", set in post Journey's End AU. (NOTE: This is NOT related to the Tyler Family Series - different AU.) Rose tells the half-human Doctor about what she went through after the last time she saw him.


A million thoughts were running through Rose's mind as she tore her lips away from the half-human who told her he loved her; she whipped around at the all too familiar sound of the TARDIS leaving Bad Wolf Bay. Leaving without her. She dashed over a few steps, as though she could stop it, and for one heartbreaking moment, she felt the Doctor had abandoned her, and she would never see him again.

Then a familiar hand slipped into hers, and she looked up to see his face. Her Doctor. Here, with her, for her whole life; for _their_ whole life. He gazed at her serenely, and she gave him a hopeful, tentative smile. _This is the Doctor,_ she reminded herself, and she squeezed his hand. They would be alright, she decided. They'd be alright.

**Two days later.**

It was the second morning Rose Tyler had woken with another body pressed against hers, arms and legs entangled with her half-human Doctor. Things had been... tense on the ride back home. Despite the kiss, doubt was now gnawing at Rose; she had been almost completely out of it the whole ride, torn between convincing herself that this really was the Doctor, and then again he really wasn't and that her real Doctor, her two-hearted Gallifreyan Time Lord was somewhere out there, in another universe, without her. By the time they'd reached home, it was night, and she'd decided. This half-human, half-Time Lord being she had been "given" was, for all intensive purposes, her Doctor. There was no point longing after the old Doctor, just as there was no point longing after the Doctor he'd been before he regenerated.

She'd taken him by the hand and led him up the stairs, gesturing to each room as they went past. She'd put him in one of the spare rooms, unsure of where their relationship stood, and not really having any energy to deal with it anyway. Rose had gone straight to her room and fallen asleep, still fully clothed, only to wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding from a nightmare that the Doctor was gone for good. Forever.

"Rose?" came a voice from the doorway, and she could see his outline from the light in the hall. Rose scrambled off the bed and flung her arms around him, trying not to sob. She didn't even question how he'd known. "Rose, I'm here," he'd murmured into her hair, and led her slowly back to bed. She hadn't had any more nightmares that night.

The next day they'd spent talking; on figuring each other back out. She'd grown into a headstrong woman from the stubborn late teenager he remembered her as, and he'd picked up a few of Donna's more sassy quirks. He made her think of more of a mixture between her old Doctor and new new Doctor. She'd laughed at some of the stories he'd told her, and she explained to him about the dimension cannon in more depth, pleased to be able to show off how much of the scientific garble she now knew and understood. It wasn't a deep relationship talk; they chatted like old friends, which in a way they were, but both of them knew there was much more they were leaving unsaid. On Rose's part, there was definitely a few things she knew she would have to tell him at some point... but they were painful to remember, and she intended to put it off as long as she could.

That night, after bidding her parents goodnight, Rose changed into her pyjamas and lay in her empty bed, managing to finally sleep after her mind gave up mulling over everything that had happened in the past 48 hours. She'd slept fitfully, tossing and turning, and at the height of her nightmare, gasping awake with shaking hands and a sweaty forehead.

"Rose," a familiar quiet voice said from behind her, and she had rolled over once more to see her Doctor lying on her bed. She didn't even question it, just went straight into his arms, trembling with leftover terror. Rose didn't even remember how she got back to sleep; the next thing she knew, she was waking up, one arm draped over his torso and her face leaning into his chest.

Rose listened carefully to the sound of his gentle breathing and deduced that her half-human Doctor was still asleep. She could feel the ever so faint thudding of his single heart, and her tired eyes twinged with unexpected tears. _It doesn't matter_, she told herself, refusing to let any tears fall and instead tightening her arm around him. The Doctor shifted in his sleep, and his hand came up her back to unconsciously tangle his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer. It brought a smile to her lips.

When he woke, she had fallen back asleep, cuddled up close to him. The sun was shining through a gap in the curtains, and so he eased himself gently from under Rose's grip and padded his way over, shutting the gap. When he turned back, Rose was looking at him, a small smile on her face.

"Morning," she sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"Morning," he chuckled, climbing back into the bed and propping himself up on one elbow. "You alright from last night?" She mirrored him, resting her chin on her hand, and nodded.

"Yeah... just a nightmare." She shrugged, eyes downcast. She was hit with an overwhelming urge to tell him everything; to spew out how weird and strange and fantastic this was for her, and how happy she was that he was here, and that she loved him, and that for a few weeks after that first time he had left her on that damn beach... there had been a possibility of them having a child. But she had lost it. And seeing him; remembering how animated and excited he could get over the smallest thing... how could she tell him something like that, then rip the rug out from beneath his feet?

He watched her silently, able to tell by her glazed over eyes that she was arguing internally about something. With their current position, he could hazard a guess at what it was about. He reached out for her, hand landing on her shoulder. "Rose-"

"I was pregnant," she blurted out, then clapped a hand over her mouth, looking at him with shocked and afraid eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered immediately, and the tears were so instant she didn't even have time to contemplate. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you like that, Doctor; I'm sorry."

The Doctor was stunned; he felt his one human heart must have stopped for at least a second there. His lips parted to speak, but there was a full minute of silence before his brain could catch up with what to say.

"You... _were_?" he asked slowly, honing in on the past tense. "How- ah, well I know how, but... blimey." He sat up properly and ran his hands through his hair.

"I lost it," Rose murmured thickly, remembering how depressed she'd been for the following weeks after she'd lost her baby. "I didn't even realise... the whole time I'd been pregnant with _your_ baby... and I didn't know until I'd lost it." The lump in her throat swelled, robbing her of the ability to talk without sobbing; she pressed her hand to her mouth, head hanging and eyes squeezed closed. After a moment, the bed creaked and she felt his arms curl around her, felt him bury his face into her hair and kiss her wet cheek gently. "I'm sorry, Doctor; I'm so sorry," she burst out; all the emotion, the memories and the guilt overcame her at once and she started sobbing.

Rose didn't realise the Doctor was crying too; both for the loss of his child and the pain that Rose, his precious Rose had to endure without him at her side. The two of them sat there, clinging to each other, their tears mingling, any awkwardness forgotten. There was no denying it; they both knew that all they wanted was the other, and gradually, Rose's sobs lessened and the Doctor's eyes stopped stinging. He pulled away only slightly to prop up her chin with his finger, and then he kissed her. She responded, and it was just as magical as that first day on the beach when she had kissed him. It reminded him how much he never wanted to be separated from her, his Rose, ever again.

"Rose," he breathed, and she opened her eyes, pulling away from his embrace. "No, come here." He drew her back into his arms and hugged her tightly. "You are incredible, Rose Tyler. Absolutely fantastic," his voice broke on the last word, and he released her to cradle her head in his hands. "And I love you," he said earnestly, looking her right in the eyes. "Oh, I love you so much," he said again with a smile, just in case she didn't get it. A tear-stained smile lit up her face for a second, then dropped away when she realised he had still said nothing about the miscarriage.

"But Doctor... I lost our baby. I lost it." Her lower lip trembled and her eyes glistened; the Doctor shook his head.

"It was not your fault, Rose; d'you hear me? I don't blame you. Not for one second; how could I blame you? If anything it should be me apologising; I wasn't here for you when you needed me." His thumbs caressed her cheeks, wiping away the tear tracks, and she covered his hands with hers.

"You couldn't have followed anyway; I let go of that stupid lever," she mumbled, looking down.

"Rose; hey." Her eyes flicked back up to meet his. "I'm here now. And you have _got_ to stop blaming yourself for something you cannot hope to control," he said tenderly, and kissed her forehead.

"Doctor..." Rose didn't even know what she was going to say. "You're still my Doctor?" she questioned hesitatingly, and he nodded.

"I'm still the Doctor. Just with one heart," he confirmed. "And it's all yours."

Through the tears, a brilliant smile lit up Rose's face, and it fully dawned on her that ultimately, this was what she had always wanted. The Doctor, here with her, spending the rest of his life with her, and her spending the rest of her life with him.

"I love you," she whispered, pressing her hand to his single beating heart. He grinned.

"Rose Tyler-" He paused, and her heart nearly stopped. He kissed her before finishing the sentence. "I love you."


End file.
